My Bittersweet Retreat By: Kara Rae Holewa

                My retreat is a world beyond the skies. To many people, it is fake, but every aspect of it seems so real to me and after a while of being there, reality slips through my fingers and is replaced with a version of it that seems so much better than life ever could be. I control every little detail in this world. I am nothing more than a dreamer, but my dreams become a new reality with a flip of a switch and a little shock.  It is usually a fun and beautiful world, but as every good movie includes, there is a crazy, and bittersweet twist to this pill that I must swallow. This world is not reality, it is much more fragile. My mood can destroy the elegant beauty with just one bad thought.

                Years ago, I would sit in the cotton candy- colored clouds and have music coming out of the sun like rays of light. I would spend my days drawing, making music, learning, writing, and laying in a field of flowers as I gazed out into the horizon; it was the best part of my day, my reason to live and the most beautiful thing I had ever laid my eyes upon. I was at peace with myself and the world.

                Today, the story of my dreamland is the opposite of a wonderwall. I feel as if my mood is a pebble falling into a never ending well. I feel so lonely and it gets worse as the days slowly pass by. My world is caving in on itself and its elegance is fading while the colors turn to grey. Progressively, my mental images of reality grow darker. Now, when I skim the never ending horizon with my eyes, I see gray flower fields that are slowly burning. The music sounds only like a scratched record that is stuck replaying the same ear-wrenching sounds over and over again. The, once, cotton candy clouds are now blood red and instead of being fluffy, they are cracked glass that could fall down from the sky at any given moment.  The sun is black, it sends out gray rays and any sign of happiness has been sucked out of this world.

 As much as I try to change my world, it stays the same. Dark thoughts have completely consumed my mind and it is as if there is absolutely nothing that I can do to change them. I fear that if I do not fix it soon, my world will be the death of me.

I decided to sit down on the glass clouds, I tried to clear my mind, but I could not seem to find a way to stop my thoughts in their destructive path that might soon lead to my fate. At this moment, I just give up, I pulled my knees up to my chest, wrapped my arms around them and rested my head on my knees as I let my tears pour out of my burning eyes and run down my face. As they hit the glass, my tears burned through it like acid and turned to flames upon the field below me. Nothing could get any worse, I was on the verge of purposeful combustion and I did not want to have to push myself to bear the pain that I felt inside for another day. I blamed myself for letting this world turn to hell.  I was done with the thoughts terrorizing my mind and controlling me and I just wanted to be free.  

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